Sunday, July 21, 2013

5 Naruto Theories That Could or Should Be True

Written by: Shiggins and Micha [Collaborative article]

Ever since the revelation of Tobi, it has long since been established that Naruto fandom is full of bullshit. We were blinded by the huge number of possibilities for the identity of the formerly unknown man and thus we had forgotten the most essential and crucial detail of all; Masashi Kishimoto doesn’t give a shit about our theories.

And yet here we are again to discuss some insanely possible theories that we believe could’ve, would’ve and should’ve happened.

5. Tobi was Future Shino

And now for a theory like no other. A theory to defy the way rational people think and to make us seem utterly and completely insane. A theory that will cause people’s faces to burn from the severity of the recurring face-palm they will give themselves as they read this section and see a glimpse of the inside of our minds. Allow us to sum up this theory for you all with just a few simple words.

We once believed Tobi could be Shino from the future.

The Masked Face Of Evil

Yes, you read that right. Now, before you run off and scream “I’ve lost all faith in humanity”, allow us to begin our reasoning.

First of all, time travel. With all the techniques and abilities that are within this series, you have to all wondered at some point if a time travel jutsu could ever be created. The idea that Tobi could have seen a distant future and then gone through any means to prevent it is something that, although would have been a bit obvious, would also have provided quite a lot of drama and possibilities, including seeing what had become of Naruto in an alternate timeline.

Next is the bit that really gets to people when I tell them about this theory. Why did I think Shino Aburame would be the identity of a killer who had glimpsed into the future? I thought that because Shino is a friend of Naruto. He’s always been there, yet nobody cares about him. He’s smart, strong, serious and able to strategise like a military commander.

He Knows His Left From His Right
Also, we never saw his eyes. Not once. He always stood there, and never once made any attempt to even take a peek behind those goggles. Over the years, people never noticed him. Naruto even forgot who he was, even though there was no way in Hell anybody other than Shino would ever dress up like that. This is where our theory takes shape.

One day, in the future, Shino decided to track down Sasuke himself so as to make up for not being there to help out the first time. However, things go horribly wrong when Hinata and Kiba follow him to try to help. Sasuke would then proceed to kill everyone, with only Shino surviving. Soon, Konoha would be destroyed under the wrath of Sasuke and his sharingan. This is when Shino would awaken his own sharingan, due to the heavy despair and sadness from losing the ones he loved. And yes, this is when he would also discover he is secretly a Uchiha too.

The Group's Annual "Pee-In-The-Bushes" Contest
And since the sharingan keeps getting new power-ups all the time, like Susanoo, Kamui and Izanagi, it wouldn’t be a stretch to think that there is probably some secret time travel eye power there too. Like Kamui but with time instead of dimensions.

With Shino back in time, he creates the timeline that’s already happened in his time, such as killing Minato. This would result in a time loop. Shino would then take on his newest disguise, so as to not let slip that he had knowledge of the future. He would base his “silly” personality on Naruto, as he saw Naruto as someone who was an idiot who forgot what people were called after two years away.


With all these facts, it’s hard to believe that Tobi was not revealed to be Future Shino. We will always remember the times when we thought we’d see such a genius and extravagant plot twist and we hope you can join us in wishing we could have seen such an idea come to fruition.

4. Izuna is a Woman.

Theories can be thrilling, interesting and sometimes fun to debate and discuss with if you’re around rational and sane people. We clearly are surrounded by none of those. This theory appears far-fetched, outright lunatic, and somewhat insulting. And that’s coming from us who once believed that Shino was out to dominate the world. However, Izuna being a woman is valid to some extent hence the theory making it to the list.
There is no way that little punk could've been boy.

For instance, one of the many reasons why this theory is highly plausible is because Izuna is femininely built compared to other men of his age, namely our racist bastard Tobirama. According to statistics, Izuna’s height and weight lies on borderline ratio of male and female, which is strange since Uchiha are naturally masculine. What’s more, Izuna even looks feminine.

However, there’s more to this argument than just digits and looks. We’re all familiar with how Kishimoto incorporates myths and legends with his characters and jutsu. For instance, Izanagi and Izanami are mythical gods and goddesses, Sasuke’s Kirin jutsu is adapted from a mythical tiger-like creature with the same name, Amaterasu is the god of sun while Tsukiyomi is the god of moon in Japanese folklore, and a lot of other adaptions which would be too many to mention in this article.

Likewise, the name Izuna is believed to be derived from Idunn or Iduna( -a suffix to denote femininity) from Norse mythology. Iduna is a goddess related with fertility which itself is ridiculous enough to be incorporated with a male character.
And fertility being the factor encouraging the inbreeding and Uchihacest. 
Now let’s come to ask what on Earth would possess Izuna to bind her chest and crossdress as a male. During times when the Uchiha are shown, mostly ninja, the absence of females are quite apparent. It is probable that females were prohibited from getting involved in battles and such, considering feminism would’ve been uncommon at that period. It is also highly theorized that that was the reason why Izuna would have wanted to keep her gender hidden, along with the fact that she certainly did not like to sit in a kitchen and make sandwiches.

Last but not the least, Izuna ended up being the sacrifice and Madara being the survivor. Since they both wanted to protect their clan, they would have decided that Madara, an actual male, would do a better job than the other because let’s face it, females suck.

3. Under Kakashi's Mask is... 

Ah Kakashi. From the anal-probing of a young boy when you claim to be training them, to the constant possibilities of death, you have always had something that makes you probably one of the closest to almost being a ninja in this entire series. You have a mask. A big mask that covers most of your face and is probably the proof we need to show you have a fetish for auto-erotic asphyxiation.

The Face Of One With A Constant Erection
However, throwing away the fact he gets a boner from having his breathing restricted, and the fact that he may in fact not be a pretty boy, why does he wear the mask? Luckily, the answer has already been figured out. Kakashi Hatake has big, sharp, pointy teeth.

In case you aren't a true fan of Naruto and therefore don’t belong on this site unless you read the manga reviews, having sharp pointy teeth in Naruto means you are from Kirigakure, also known as the Village Hidden By Mist. It’s well-known for being a blood-soaked and vicious place, home to psychopaths such as Zabuza and Kisame. Whenever we see one of the Kirigakure folk, we can always relate them to one fact. They like big swords and you other brothers can’t deny. It’s true.

Hey Ladies. Who Wants To Play With My Big "Sword"?
With this fact in our heads, we must all be aware of the fact that Kakashi realised, at a very young age by the way, just how ugly sharp pointy teeth are. So when his mother, who we can all assume is the one from Kirigakure, dies and his father takes him to Konoha with big plans of not committing suicide, Kakashi decided to have his first little erection and suffocate himself with a mask. When that didn't work, he realised the mask was a good idea and kept it on anyway. This would explain why a child would wear a mask at such a childish age, and why he has got the natural ability to wield Zabuza’s sword, even though it’s supposed to be reserved for only the sharp-toothed.

2. Tsunade is a Lesbian.

She is a woman with breasts bigger than watermelons, a woman possessing overwhelming power and authority, has a temper of an Italian housewife, and brutality of a merciless commander. I don’t know about you, but we strongly believe that all of these scream nothing but psychosexual hysteric.

It doesn’t take a couple of fanfictions and blowing nerd rage on the theory forums to figure out what Tsunade and her irresistibly attractive female assistant do behind locked doors of the Hokage room is definitely not PG-13 rated. The reason why poor Ms Tonton always look afraid is obviously because it has witnessed some excruciating images inside that Hokage room that none of us has ever seen.

 Tsunade wanting to get it on with Dan was merely a strategy of her mission of getting in his niece, Shizune’s pants. As the sneaky, deceptive lesbian she is, we were under the impression that she was head over heels over Dan when in reality, all Tsunade did was face-fuck his young niece in sake serving bars.  

Tsunade's mouth is not the only anatomy that sake bottle has been in. *
Not only had she used the Dan story to cover up her toe-curling-ly taboo secret romance with her apprentice, she also eloped with the said apprentice in the name of grief, so that they could practice their lesbian activities in all kinky places. And positions.

What’s more, despite handsome and powerful Jiraiya persuading to give her hook, line and sinker on several occasions, she continued to refuse his proposals because she was already hooking up with her exceptionally steamy secret lover.

It all adds up now, doesn’t it?

1. Love Triangle – Hashirama, Madara and Mito

This is one we all assumed was going to be shown during the flashback starting in Chapter 620 when Hashirama started telling the tale of how Madara turned into a typical evil Uchiha. We all knew it would have something to do with Konoha, the war between the Uchiha and the Senju, and of course, Madara’s love for Hashirama’s wood.

However, after the flashback was over, almost all of us let out one big disappointed “Aww”. Why? We hadn’t seen one glimpse or mention of Hashirama’s wife and the first ever Jinchuriki of the Nine-Tails, Mito Uzumaki. It was so strange to see such a large flashback all about how Hashirama went from friends to enemies, without the mention of Mito being a crucial part of that.

Nothing Sexier That A Redhead Who Can Kick My Ass
We all were expecting Madara and Hashirama to become rivals-of-love and when Hashirama would eventually win her heart, it would be yet another thing that Madara had lost because of the Senju. He had already lost the trust of his own clan, his brother was gone and the position of Hokage had been filled. Losing Mito would have been a great extra push to make him go red-eye on us and break up with Hashirama.

Another thing that backs up this theory is that history always tends to repeat itself in Naruto. And this is one that seems extremely possible. We have the main good guy with a big goofy grin, who falls for the girl with the serious deposition, while the sexy and scary bad boy of the group just doesn't care while preparing to betray them all.

Hashirama – Mito – Madara
Jiriaya – Tsunade – Orochimaru
Naruto – Sakura – Sasuke

Technically, A Love Square Since Everybody Knows Kabuto Is Sexy
All things considered, there's no guarantee that any of this will happen. All of these theories are just plain batshit crazy, and some of them are too bizarre to be true in the first place. Except for the theory of Shino, which was totally reasonable. 

*Fanart of Shizune and Tsunade rightfully belongs to this person. We owe our souls to the artist. You may check out her work and support her.



Shiggins: . .
Shiggins enjoys all strange forms of communication, especially those including cosplayers saying hello to him. However, until that wonderful day comes, you can also contact him on his Skype; shigginsishere. He can also respond to you if you contact him through GMails at shigginsishere@gmail.com.


Micha: [Co-founder]
Micha likes to broadcast her terrible drawing skills to the world on her DeviantArt account and talks about her life long ambition of making Yakushi Kabuto a woman, on her Skype; michasucks. Yes, with the dot. She will also respond to e-mails on her michamichamicha@live.com because Amber forces her to.

4 comments:

  1. Some times I wonder if Kishimoto is trying to be like George Martin. Always trying to do unpredictable or the last thing a fan is expecting like Tobi, just not logic right there XD

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    Replies
    1. Highly doubt that. He's just being unpredictable like all writers should. Also, if it was George Martin writing this, then Ino would have slept with her dad and Obito would massacre all of Konoha.
      ~Shiggins and Micha.

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  2. I like the three way theory. Would av added depth to the story.

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  3. Oh Please, Madara was gay af for hashirama.

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